Walking in my wife’s shoes was hard
The story of my decision journey to be the primary care giver of our 2 boys
Leading up to my paternity leave, work colleagues and friends would readily say, “so… how long till your holiday starts, hey?” followed by something like, “you lucky so and so...”.
It took a bit of effort to stop from rolling my eyes. My eldest was 4 years old and the newborn was 7 months at that stage, both raised in a classical way by their mum being the primary care giver (working mum, I will add), with me playing the stereotypical sensitive, supportive new age dad, at least I thought anyway. I had seen enough to know that it is in no way a ‘holiday’, or ‘time off’, or ‘easy’. I knew that much for sure, but I also had a niggling feeling that I had a lot to learn, and would have to, once I walked in my wife’s shoes for 18 weeks.
“It’s not a holiday mate, it’s actually a serious job...” I would correct them. “but I’m looking forward to it. That’s for sure!”. And boy, was I.
Our journey to being parents of two gorgeous little boys hasn't been the easiest or even orthodox in many ways. My wife had numerous medical complications, a couple of cesareans sandwiching a near death experience to name just a few standout talking points. But that's not what this blog is about. I do want to draw attention to my amazingly strong, thoughtful and long-suffering wife of seven years, but only in order to demonstrate how hard this Mr Mum thing really is… its hard, but not always harder. It’s definitely very different than even the most stressful job I have ever had. I currently work for a global resources company as a project manager of multi-million dollar projects, so I know what stress at work is.
But anyway, in the process of writing this, I aim to share my story and maybe even some jokes. And if you manage to get some tips to help you on your journey, then that's a bonus too.
Its absolutely crazy how many dads have very little clue what it actually means to be a primary care giver of a baby. I’ll put my hand up, I thought I did, but it’s completely different watching someone do it, and doing it yourself. I'm sure you can identify with the feeling of thinking you can replicate your real life heroes' feats in day to day life. Yes, they make it look easy. And here is my first tip, it’s because they are good at it. They are good at it because they work hard, preparing and practicing! We only get to see them on game night when they bring ‘it’ on, and then foolishly think that is all it takes.
My wife put her career on hold and took a year off to care for our first boy. This was followed by several years working full time and keeping the boy, (and this boy) and the household in order. I was typically working full time through all this. And being quite a studious fellow, I had been observing my wife the whole time, (obviously chipping in where I could, often after being gently prompted) learning what I could. When we finally got pregnant with our second, I thought I had watched enough of the professionals (my wife) doing it, now it was time to get off the bench and join the game for real.
It wasn't that simple of a decision though. We had discussed it as a couple during the early months of the pregnancy, and several thoughts were front of mind during our chats.
Primarily, the bonding experience the primary care giver gets to experience. My wife had that with our first boy and wasn’t that keen to give up that experience with the second. She still gets a bit teary eyed about missing out after a hard day back at work.
Secondly, the fear that there will be a stall in your career. Work will forget about you. You will go back to a remedial desk job, never again to climb the coveted career ladder. For the first time ever, I started to have these thoughts. I must admit as a male, that has rarely entered my mind when thinking about children. But my wife and pretty much most mums out there have to think hard about this, and live through it too.
Last on my list but definitely no means least. Could I even do this? Did I have the right skill-sets to do things as good as ‘The Mum’. This is a big one in my view. I was about to replace a very job proud employee that had this thing organised like a pro. But unlike in the real workforce, the previous incumbent rarely sticks around to watch you mess it up. Or to be more optimistic, give you a pat on the back if you nail it. So, I was feeling a little bit of performance pressure.
At one point as we were discussing these ideas, I brought up the generous paternity leave package my company had on offer. 18 weeks of leave. My wife said, “Would you do it, would you take the time off?”, sort of not even serious about the question, and almost expecting me to say no. This has been my view in the past I must admit. I had a host of excuses lined up that I thought were super important. A classic one was, “I work on big projects, it’s never a good time to take leave, always something going on…”. But this time it was different. I just answered, “Yes”.
Things inside me had changed. Whether it was the 4 years’ worth of experiences with my oldest boy, or the medical complications and how hard it had been for my wife and I to even get pregnant (both times), or just that I had reached that middle age point in my life (turning 40 this year, and sadly no classic old Porsche is in the driveway). A new thought had crystallised and was now front of mind, “Your kids will never, ever, ever be 1 month old, be 10 months old, or any age for that matter again”. Whereas the same can’t be said for work, university study, holidays, renovations or all the other ‘things’ that keep us busy. A switch had flipped inside me and there was nothing in the world that I would rather do than take leave and be Mr Mum.
Those formative conversations conjured up the idea, the idea was now a plan with some actions. I was doing this. I was excited, and a little nervous. Now all I needed to do was get it across the line with work and book in that 18 weeks leave.
